Monday, 6 May 2013

No More Blog Neglecting! And... A Brief-ish Update!

I've said this before... I've said it a bunch of times... I am not going to neglect this blog anymore! I swear! I'm seriously struggling for normalcy right now and I figure if I start to focus on repairing the little things, every thing else will fall in to place... Fingers crossed! All crossable body parts crossed!

So we've been going through an upheaval. Which is a gross understatement! 2013, I hate you so far! In Trinidad when things keep going wrong in one's life we say that we are "going through a gras" (pronounced "gr-ah")... I am going through the mother of all gras! Sure things could be worse... And acknowledging that is terrifying to me! Things getting worse will mean that I have moved in to the bowels of hell! I don't know what's wrong with me... Last night I spent most of the night crying and wondering how I went from being someone who was so productive, holding down a "real job" and providing for my child, to someone that old person wouldn't even recognize, that the old me would despise  To be truthful the problem is simply that I am terrified... Of everything! I'm terrified of change, even good change! I'm scared to make the first move to fix all that is wrong... How crazy is that?! I used to be brave! I used to be strong! And now I lay in bed in the morning willing myself to get out of bed, that perpetual ticker tape in my mind rolling the same string of words before my eyes that it does at every second of every day... "You need to change!" "You can't keep running!" "It's not fair to your child!" "Stop thinking of the things you need to fix and actually put plans in action!" "You deserve this even though you think you don't!" "Love yourself for a change!" That last set of affirmation is the hardest for me to achieve because the truth is that I hate myself most of the time. I hate that I'd rather strike out than try to pull myself out of this... Is this depression? 

A pause for depression... I have always prided myself on the fact that I have "never" been depressed... BULLSHIT! I am getting comfortable with acknowledging the fact that I am depressed and have been for three years! How else do you explain such contempt for one's self? Such lethargy? Such negative convictions?I was always the one in my big family that never suffered with anxiety or depression... Have I been lying to myself this entire time? Wondering that only confirms another truth about myself then... Am I a liar? It's just so fucking depressing thinking that that could be true! But it is... 

"Hey girl! How are you?" 
"Fine thanks!!!" 

"How's the business going?"
"Oh gosh! Grrrrreaaaaaate! Can't complain at all!" 
Bullshit! Steaming piles of it! 

My business is not doing well and it's all because of my state of mind right now! How can any business do well if you are not championing your own cause and you keep setting yourself up to fail? I know I am wasting this talent the Lord has graced me with... I know it better than anyone else! I am suffering from a paralyzing case of diffidence and timidity! I give up before I even try! The worst thing about it is that I actually acknowledge the fact that I have been gifted abundantly, I know the quality of my work is up there... But knowing those things just does not help! Knowing those things are true only makes it worse.

God this is a depressing entry! But I can't keep  it in anymore... I miss the release I used to get from writing...  Which too has taken a back seat to this ridiculous fear! Ugh! Next post will be better! I swear! I swear so hard that I'll even start writing it now! 

Please love yourself guys... I hate the state of mind that I am in... It keeps my up at night... This constant lack of self worth. I'm struggling to love myself right now... Baby stepping my way to being happy again!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

The Big C and My Little Seester

I write my feelings out. Used to do it on facebook and that didn't go down too well, though it did land me my first paid writing jobs. I'm not a talker so I have to get all the crap in my head out some how. My sister has cancer! And I am so fucking furious about it! There! My sister has cancer and I can't protect her! My sister has cancer and I am terrified for her and for her two sweet boys! My sister has cancer and I found it! My sister has cancer and the site of it will never leave me! My sister has cancer and this is just bullshit! My sister has cancer and she doesn't deserve it! My sister has cancer and I need to say that word until it becomes nothing but a word again!

This is the most fucked up, unbelievable, heart breaking, shitty, unfair, disgusting, ridiculous things EVER! Surreal is the only word that captures it even slightly! This is so fucking surreal!

She haD melanoma. I saw it. It was the the source of the night mares of my past and those of my future. When God breathed us in to being this was the root of all anxiety... We just didn't know it yet! I swear this is the first day that I am allowing myself to feel so negative... I can not help it.

I watched my seester pack her bags for her follow on appointment with an oncologist in Miami. "Seester", "her" and oncologist... How are these three words in any sentence, on their own or stringed together, that pertains to Eva? She leaves tomorrow, my brave, beautiful, strong sister. I looked at the physical proof of what she's been through as she packed her files and I thought about the cute story my mum tells about when we were little... We looked so alike that when she came to wake us up on mornings, if our faces were covered and she saw was our heads, she couldn't tell who was who. This simple little fact just eats at me! Our heads were the same once... Stupid to think his way... And I want to know why they're not the same anymore! Why did she get melanoma and I didn't?! Why does she have a battle scar that I couldn't keep her safe from?! Why does my sister have to deal with this? My sweet little seester!

Before anyone thinks that things are dire I have to inject the good news... We found it! She had it taken care of immediately! All test results clear! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! At her follow on in Miami I am certain the good news will continue! I need to let go of the what ifs that are plaguing us for the last three and a half weeks. I need to stop thinking "what if I didn't hear her taking those pictures?!"

I'll post the story of how this whole journey started soon I promise. For now I just need to let some shit out. Please... If you're reading this... Please ask your hair dresser, at your next appointment, to look at your scalp closely! Ask them if they see anything that looks funny in any way! And please go for a melanoma screen! I'll put it to y'all this way... If God hadn't put us where we were the night we found it I don't know what would have happened for Eva! It was bare chance... A total fluke! The absolute worst night of my life and the start of something terrifying for my sister! Please take care!