Tuesday, 12 March 2013

The Big C and My Little Seester

I write my feelings out. Used to do it on facebook and that didn't go down too well, though it did land me my first paid writing jobs. I'm not a talker so I have to get all the crap in my head out some how. My sister has cancer! And I am so fucking furious about it! There! My sister has cancer and I can't protect her! My sister has cancer and I am terrified for her and for her two sweet boys! My sister has cancer and I found it! My sister has cancer and the site of it will never leave me! My sister has cancer and this is just bullshit! My sister has cancer and she doesn't deserve it! My sister has cancer and I need to say that word until it becomes nothing but a word again!

This is the most fucked up, unbelievable, heart breaking, shitty, unfair, disgusting, ridiculous things EVER! Surreal is the only word that captures it even slightly! This is so fucking surreal!

She haD melanoma. I saw it. It was the the source of the night mares of my past and those of my future. When God breathed us in to being this was the root of all anxiety... We just didn't know it yet! I swear this is the first day that I am allowing myself to feel so negative... I can not help it.

I watched my seester pack her bags for her follow on appointment with an oncologist in Miami. "Seester", "her" and oncologist... How are these three words in any sentence, on their own or stringed together, that pertains to Eva? She leaves tomorrow, my brave, beautiful, strong sister. I looked at the physical proof of what she's been through as she packed her files and I thought about the cute story my mum tells about when we were little... We looked so alike that when she came to wake us up on mornings, if our faces were covered and she saw was our heads, she couldn't tell who was who. This simple little fact just eats at me! Our heads were the same once... Stupid to think his way... And I want to know why they're not the same anymore! Why did she get melanoma and I didn't?! Why does she have a battle scar that I couldn't keep her safe from?! Why does my sister have to deal with this? My sweet little seester!

Before anyone thinks that things are dire I have to inject the good news... We found it! She had it taken care of immediately! All test results clear! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord! At her follow on in Miami I am certain the good news will continue! I need to let go of the what ifs that are plaguing us for the last three and a half weeks. I need to stop thinking "what if I didn't hear her taking those pictures?!"

I'll post the story of how this whole journey started soon I promise. For now I just need to let some shit out. Please... If you're reading this... Please ask your hair dresser, at your next appointment, to look at your scalp closely! Ask them if they see anything that looks funny in any way! And please go for a melanoma screen! I'll put it to y'all this way... If God hadn't put us where we were the night we found it I don't know what would have happened for Eva! It was bare chance... A total fluke! The absolute worst night of my life and the start of something terrifying for my sister! Please take care!

No comments:

Post a Comment