Monday, 6 May 2013

No More Blog Neglecting! And... A Brief-ish Update!

I've said this before... I've said it a bunch of times... I am not going to neglect this blog anymore! I swear! I'm seriously struggling for normalcy right now and I figure if I start to focus on repairing the little things, every thing else will fall in to place... Fingers crossed! All crossable body parts crossed!

So we've been going through an upheaval. Which is a gross understatement! 2013, I hate you so far! In Trinidad when things keep going wrong in one's life we say that we are "going through a gras" (pronounced "gr-ah")... I am going through the mother of all gras! Sure things could be worse... And acknowledging that is terrifying to me! Things getting worse will mean that I have moved in to the bowels of hell! I don't know what's wrong with me... Last night I spent most of the night crying and wondering how I went from being someone who was so productive, holding down a "real job" and providing for my child, to someone that old person wouldn't even recognize, that the old me would despise  To be truthful the problem is simply that I am terrified... Of everything! I'm terrified of change, even good change! I'm scared to make the first move to fix all that is wrong... How crazy is that?! I used to be brave! I used to be strong! And now I lay in bed in the morning willing myself to get out of bed, that perpetual ticker tape in my mind rolling the same string of words before my eyes that it does at every second of every day... "You need to change!" "You can't keep running!" "It's not fair to your child!" "Stop thinking of the things you need to fix and actually put plans in action!" "You deserve this even though you think you don't!" "Love yourself for a change!" That last set of affirmation is the hardest for me to achieve because the truth is that I hate myself most of the time. I hate that I'd rather strike out than try to pull myself out of this... Is this depression? 

A pause for depression... I have always prided myself on the fact that I have "never" been depressed... BULLSHIT! I am getting comfortable with acknowledging the fact that I am depressed and have been for three years! How else do you explain such contempt for one's self? Such lethargy? Such negative convictions?I was always the one in my big family that never suffered with anxiety or depression... Have I been lying to myself this entire time? Wondering that only confirms another truth about myself then... Am I a liar? It's just so fucking depressing thinking that that could be true! But it is... 

"Hey girl! How are you?" 
"Fine thanks!!!" 

"How's the business going?"
"Oh gosh! Grrrrreaaaaaate! Can't complain at all!" 
Bullshit! Steaming piles of it! 

My business is not doing well and it's all because of my state of mind right now! How can any business do well if you are not championing your own cause and you keep setting yourself up to fail? I know I am wasting this talent the Lord has graced me with... I know it better than anyone else! I am suffering from a paralyzing case of diffidence and timidity! I give up before I even try! The worst thing about it is that I actually acknowledge the fact that I have been gifted abundantly, I know the quality of my work is up there... But knowing those things just does not help! Knowing those things are true only makes it worse.

God this is a depressing entry! But I can't keep  it in anymore... I miss the release I used to get from writing...  Which too has taken a back seat to this ridiculous fear! Ugh! Next post will be better! I swear! I swear so hard that I'll even start writing it now! 

Please love yourself guys... I hate the state of mind that I am in... It keeps my up at night... This constant lack of self worth. I'm struggling to love myself right now... Baby stepping my way to being happy again!

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